Screaming Silently

Last week was a rough one. I was walking around town trying to get settled going to all of these university trainings and lectures…. And the whole time I was screaming. I am talking… Elaine stuck in the stopped, no-lights subway car screaming in her head (Seinfeld). I would be sitting there in my lab office with someone asking me about Boston and “how are things going?”…..and in my head I would be screaming……

“AHHHHHHHHHH”
“ WHAT AM I DOING HERE?” "I DON'T BELONG HERE!"
“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!”
“WHAT HAVE I DONE?” (all of this with a big smile and a nodding head)


It was tough. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and wait for my 3years to be up. I want to call friends and family but I didn’t cause I don’t want to hear there voices as it will make me miss home more and I want to be tough. So I talked to the new people I have met here and it is comforting cause we are all in similar situations.

I would drag myself around and make myself leave my room for goal oriented tasks…..and the moment I would head out. I would relax a little. Walk a little slower and really look around.

Here in Cambridge everyone is really friendly and smiles are nearly always exchanged. The area is really pretty and the ivy/vine covered buildings are quite beautiful. It is therapeutic and tranquil at the moment of severe homesickness.

I have moments of thinking: “Oh my God I will be here for 3years….I am going to die. How will I do this?”

Then I have moments of: “Oh I only have 3years here and that is quick so I need to soak this whole experience in.”

I hope my days are filled with more thoughts of the latter!